Don't rape the pain

or an essay on the therapeutic effects of BDSM

Text archived from the inactive Slovak website Zlá zelina ("Bad Weed"), its author used pseudonym Maldora.

(This is just a view from one side - the submissive/masochist one. If and how the subject of this article can be experienced in the healing way by any of the dominants or dominatrix(es) - I don't know - they could share their feelings.)

BDSM play is very intense way of experiencing (living through) [things], not doubted by those who love them nor those who - from safe distance - consider it to be one of the worst perversions of good man.

Who and why voluntarily submits to pain, humiliation and fear? Who has a need to see a few drops of his own blood, seal of bruises on his own skin, red stripes after beating? And who is so emotionless, that he easily causes pain to the other and leaves him submerged in weakness or helplessness?
Why the thing that is supposed to be unpleasant causes pleasure? Is it just the excitement of the forbidden fruit? Is it power that uncovers (for us) the knowledge of "darkness"?

No, I won't try to answer these questions even a little bit. But I try to suggest that SM or BDSM may be the right opposite of what the other people call perversion/aberration/deviation - that it can be a therapy.
And truly I want to just suggest it, not dissecting it in details.

In homeopathy, we treat according to the maxim "like with like" (contrary to the allopathy - classical modern medicine, where you treat with "the opposite"). Usually it works wonderfully, at a very deep level, down to the roots/marrow. In BDSM, using this principle would translate to: Heal the pain with pain. Fear with fear, helplessness with helplessness, lack of self-esteem with humiliation, excessive craving for power with overpowering.

It can be perceived in this way. It has a potential to function this way. I have myself, overflown with pain that I even did not know about, allowed this pain to be drawn out/washed away under the strokes of belt, flogger or cane. Often I've just speechlessly wondered, what everything was coming out of me actually. I cried not so much from the physical pain, but from despair, anger, humiliation and disgust. And in the one, who hit me, I hated anything that had happened to me and still was happening. I was afraid. I felt terrible instinct-based animal fear, that stole away my breath and heartbeat. It was fear coming from my inner depths, that sprung from something primeval and non-understood. I experienced various states and feelings - and it was not volupty, nor joy. It was not playfulness - it was fight for life, for me-myself, escape from the other one.

These moments, similar BDSM experience was a valuable gift for me: they allowed me to get acquainted with my own fear and pain. Living it they washed it away from me - bit by bit. I barely remember some of the mad moments that I have been through. If anyone is afraid that they will not pass away - they will, they will pass. It's necessary to give them their time and respect. Let them be. And primarily - don't get frightened by them. Not trying to turn them into pleasure. Not raping the pain.
I'm immensely grateful to the one who had let me peacefully moan, cry, sob, shiver. He did not have to even ask anything; it was enough to hold, hold me, hold himself.

After this fragile-subjective suggestion of the options of living/experiencing the BDSM as something healing, therapeutic, cathartic (that I don't allow myself to elaborate on, since it is too intimate and individual for anyone encountering it) I'd prefer to note couple of points, that could help in case of such experience, eventually to direct it:

* If during the BDSM practice and play, as beating, bondage, etc. you start to feel unusual soul-sourced pain, intense feelings of shame, anger etc. (or any other unusual prominently negative feelings), try to stay with them for a moment and find out, if they come from the fact your partner is abusing you or pushing too far (see the article of Dr. Glorie Brame about preventing the violence and abuse in BDSM!), or if it something that has nothing to do with your partner and comes from much deeper even if unknown source buried in your soul. You can be sure you'll know it!

* If the second option is true, try to endure in the situation for a little bit more and experience those feelings. Cry and yell freely. Let all that is inside of you come out. It is important that your partner understands this - if needed briefly ask him to let you be, but don't forget to assure him that it is all right. It is quite awful if you get in such a state and because of the partner instead of gushing tears and sobs you imitate sounds from the porn movies! Some people think that voluntary participation in BDSM means that masochist loves the pain and when painful acts are performed (on him) he is supposed to moan with delight. That is not true. Pain is pain and masochist is not insensitive to it. Masochist has simply a need to experience this pain more often - but not masking it as a volupty.

* Ideally, your partner holds you in your arms, carresses you. (while some people in such moments cnnot stand the touch and they wish to be alone. If possible, explain that sensitively to your partner.) It is not necessary to talk about it while at it!

* If you feel you want to go further, do not interrupt the BDSM activity you are indulging at the moment (finish the beating, stay bound, etc.) and let your experience continue freely. If you feel that you can't take anymore, that you have enough or you feel ill (psychically or physically), definitively ask your partner to stop - and if he doesn't, show him how serious you mean it!

* Only later try to review what you have experienced: do you feel like breakthrough hs happened? Any ugly memories have surfaced? Talk about it with your partner or other person, maybe close friend.

* If you feel like it is too much, that you start breaking down, getting depressed, don't be afraid to reach out to the (psycho)therapist!!!

Some (certainly mostly the "normal") people are afraid that SM artificially induces violent tendencies or self-destruction in completely healthy beings. I can't responsibly comment on this here, but I assume that (except couple of the cases) this is a myth and hypothetical fear. Second myth - that SM is enjoyed by people with already developed violent or self-destructive tendencies - that they strenghten and develop further. While this might be true to the certain extent, the more probable is the truth "in between": that BDSM attracts people, who resonate inside with painful/humiliating side of pleasure - and free, voluntary and responsible dedication to these practices with like-minded people allows them to understand, get to know or discover and look into this side of themselves much better. And so (and so much and only so) they can process them or maybe use them in some creative sensible and positive way. Maybe even deal with them for good - "get healed" (as the vanilla people would say with sigh of relief). If the last note has sounded a bit acid, we definitely can't underestimate or refuse the option that in some cases the need to connect pleasure with pain and humiliation can vanish, dissolve or "discharge". If it happens, this should be accepted as a part of life development - as much as if someone "normal" starts feeling attraction towards whips, cuffs and black leather garment!

Maldora is/was a dedicated practitioner of the alternative therapy and astrological advising. Her previously published contact was: maldora@azet.sk (Perhaps only in Slovak.) This is external translation of her article.