Tao of Kink
Chapter 12
safe word and/or surprise
Should borders be explored, teased or transgressed? Should there be borders at all? Should limits be pushed or respected as they are? Is it a point of BDSM to get one beyond? Can one get something from it - knowing that the borders are there?
* introduction to the visual blog
What are the ways to say enough if I am not in control?
(Credits): Wikipedia - Sara Eileen and Meitar Moscovitz
Limits or "No limits"
The terms like "no limit" slaves, "totally depraved pigs", 365/24/7, dehumanization and objectification, as much as extremes like castration or snuff play – have become contemporary fashion wave in kink, quite the mainstream. As dirty as sterile – multiplied but copycat. The good old fetish is not satisfying anymore - but will the new kinks bring any more stimulus, if executed in the same mindlessly mechanical non-translated way?
I sniff some sort of dissatisfaction with the idea of "limits" – as in verity of the action. That I have already described in splits between committing crime and playing, exploring the fantasy deeply versus acting it up, or genuine devotion and pretending. Finding a mode of making the situation satisfyingly "real" and in the same time "safe and sane and consensual". I doubt this balance can be achieved by more quantity (doing), rejecting all the "mood-killer" talking or even thinking about what’s going to happen. At the end, limits don’t have to be broken or pushed necessarily. We can dance around them, play with them, interpret them. At least, we can learn about our heroic culture’s approach to limits in general.
My own limits (if they can be called so) are not so focused on what deeds cannot be done or what intensities cannot be reached, but more on circumstances, context, story, interaction, exchange with the partner, genuineness and symbolic value of what is being enacted. This is still an exploring, guided journey - for the benefit of all involved. There’s a difference between game of being abused and being abused abused. BDSM, whatever way I scrutinize it, is still a sexual play – so an amount of playfulness, sexiness, erotic must be involved. E.g.: Me personally, I can’t enjoy kink, not even vanilla sex, if I lack sleep or comfort in sense of health – the basic ability to enjoy sensations and be sexual at all.
Safety must be involved when playing dangerous and risky. Sanity must be around while we are letting out our craziness. Consent must be provided before will is broken. In order to get consent one needs to be conscious. Present. There. That’s also my answer to the use of substances in BDSM. Using support of drugs to eat shit, because it looks cool in pictures… fine, but is it you having that experience, or is it that drug? Getting drunk in order to withstand beating till bleeding… ok, though how much of you is present, enjoying it? Getting hypnotized to remove even basic animal self-preservation instinct… Is it still that you, who wanted to experience it? While it is interesting to see, how much you can bear with aid of something, it gives you information on what that something can do, not what you can do. It does not tell you even how does it feel, because you don’t experience it, you are not there. Makes sure your kinky experience is your fun.
Even if the mind is fucked with in another ways besides chemical substances, there should still be an emergency exit free of obstacles, to get "back to ones senses". To reconnect with point zero, from which one sets out to explore new experience. Even for the 24/7 slave there must be a check-in moment to reflect if this arrangement is still sexually satisfying (even if not pleasant in painful moments). Even for "slave for life", or whatever absolute fantasy, the desire to get involved beforehand is not enough evaluation for the sake of perpetuating that contract. Even total pain pig needs to return to that sane spot where he can observe his depravity and enjoy it in contrast to normal/boring state of mind. Search for an absolute submission might be just expression of need for somewhat genuine experience.
