Tao of Kink
Chapter 2
Control or/and submission
Master, through release of his dominant energy, serves his slave to live his fantasies. Slave leads his master among the desires and limits, through his self-controlled will to submit. Visual meditation on fuzziness of power exchange.
* introduction to the visual blog
Doing what is one told to do without guilt. Even with pleasure.
(Credits): Wikipedia - Moises Rodriguez
Dominance and Submission
Whether one accepts himself as full-scale kinkster, or dances on the border with vanilla, once he decides to dive in the dark waters of kink and search for a mate, he’s almost immediately inquired: Are you dominant or submissive? Are you sadist or masochist? Are you master or slave? Choose, categorize, for the sake of search engines. Thanks Goddess, in the domain of "common sex" the fake dilemma – "Are you Top or Bottom?" – was already complemented by term Versatile. Though BDSM community still seems to be quite uneasy around the idea of switching.
It appears, that ambiguity might make the communication between would-be partners complicated. They cannot initiate it with easiness of clear roles – who is master and who is slave – and thus have to face each-other as two human beings. Voluntarily, without stylization, without acting. Assertive dominant tone and serene obedience cannot be employed yet – and this also somewhat disrupts the fantasy that compelled us to search for the partner-in-game in the first place. Being out of role in the beginning - is a bit like "explaining joke" or "rationalizing spiritual mystery". Though, I find this "obstacle" the most important and potent moment of the whole encounter. Before power exchange, before losing control, before receiving pain – one gets a chance to see more genuine image of who that person, in whom we vest our trust, really is. What sort of crazy, what kind of twisted, what type of extraordinary…
If the inquirers were too obnoxious, I responded: "I’m the third person. I’m the voyeur." Not that I seclude myself to eternal observation, not that I don’t wish to participate. In my own kinky quest, I just haven’t discovered my submissiveness or dominant nature. I’ve been turned on by the whole D/S or S/M polarity, the split, the tension, the dynamics of it, the willing participation in unequal roles. I like to receive pain, under certain conditions (within sexual context, horny, as a bonus to intense personal exchange) as much as I like to give it. I find the idea of submitting (or having to submit) teasing, as much as I can be quite non-compromising in real life. People who try to impose on me their views of "how to do things right" do not survive around me for long. I have equal tendencies to follow and lead. With an eye on fair exchange.
I started searching for submission experience, because I did not feel bold enough for the other role. I felt it as a matter of experience: I did not want to inflict something upon the other body, if I have not tried it out myself. Be it needle in the nipple or just ass slap, I want to know what the sensation the other one will be exposed to. Aside of physical aspect, it seems, that being a master (unless one is arrogant and brutish naturally) requires a lot of acting. Often, slaves just lay down and expect master to "do things with them", perform the show, while the slave plays role of audience and judge. Or, the "lazy" role would be the precise expression. He does not play, he just waits to be entertained. Though - slave awaiting master’s orders - isn’t that expected at the end? Or, could BDSM be reinvented as more co-created, participative activity, on both sides?
I might offend some BDSM purists, though the discussion on "evil of dominating from the bottom" was very discouraging in my beginnings. Artificial as well. Despite the "established norms" of BDSM (irony intended) I had to dive into the essence of power exchange. If we speak of sexual play, not real violence, an agreement is preceding any scene. A slave approaches master with his wishes (what to experience) as much as limits. Even in case of very limited limits. Whether we like it or not, in that perspective, slave controls his master to some extent and master is serving his slave by allowing him to experience his (slave’s) fantasies and needs carnally. As in Tao, each element contains traces (embryo) of its opposite.
I find this paradox present in every power exchange situation as much as inside every singular kinky mind. Every submission fantasy contains an idea/image of domination on the other side. Every dominance fantasy works with certain imagination as of how the slave will obey. That insight, ability to see from the other side, presupposes an empathy, without which any sane and safe play would not be possible. No extreme can exist without its opposite – inside the person who carries it. Every dominant, once he decides to accept his fantasy, submits to the idea of his need to control the other. And every submissive - when he resists average standard of what is "normal", finding courage to admit it to at least few people, actively searching for a mate - takes charge of his life, body and sexuality.
