Tao of Kink
Chapter 8
Sensitive and/or brutal
Caring by hurting. Torment as a loving attention. Unleashing wild manliness and staying sane. Enjoying a bit of rough sex without forgetting to be tender. Becoming a piece of meat without losing soul. Visual mediation on keeping the human dimension in BDSM scenes.
* introduction to the visual blog
One hand hurts, the other carresses. The essence of BDSM.
(Credits): Wikipedia - Flickr - G.dallorto
Pioneers of kinky porn - scenes with a tender conslusion.
(Credits): Wikipedia - Flickr - philosophygeek
Tenderness and Roughness
While finally accepting a place for both my vanilla and kinky fantasies, for quite some time I could not imagine connecting those two parts of me. They could coexist, though not combine. At best, I would have to live two lives – one with romantic lover, one with kinky co-explorer – but the mixing of the elements was not something I even desired. As much as pain would taint the romantic ideas, even the kiss would spoil the excitement of the kinky scene. Luckily, at that time I have realized, that it is not the things I wish for, but the associated stories … and that it is not plain pain I enjoy, but the intense interaction with the other being… Thanks to all the Bound Gods I have been exposed to the images where elements of tenderness, love and romance were incorporated into the BDSM scene. And they did not feel out of place at all.
They were not ruining the scene, they were enhancing it, if not creating it actually. I realized, that the perspective could be even reversed – it was not love incorporated into the S&M scene, it was that scene happening in the framework of care, gentleness and love. However paradoxical it may sound. Understanding the whole kink as a dance of the opposites, tenderness was that missing piece of puzzle that complemented roughness. In some sense, that is the element that differentiates a BDSM scene from a real violence that I find repulsive (even if those brutal acts may sometimes raise erotic curiosity). I could not submit to control, pain and rough treatment from a guy, who would not feel at least basic human interest, care and default love for the fellow.
As I have described earlier, I enjoy intense interaction, not just mechanical execution of the torture acts. That connection happens in the look and in the mode of talking – I find it almost unbearably mind blowing, if the guy looks at me with: "I love you, I hurt you, I enjoy it, I enjoy that you enjoy it, I love that you receive that pain for me with love." It’s a presence of mutual exchange – there and back and forth and back and there again. It’s perverse, it is ultimately twisted, it is shared and intimate. That exchange happens in the physical expression – be it movie cliché of passionate "slap and kiss" or just holding of the body, tormenting and soothing, holding again to keep the connection and sharing of the perceptible experience. Those moments actually make the scene juicy, kinky and sexy.
The porn production I have hailed contains beautiful moments before and after the scene, with the actors out of master/slave context, holding each other or showing almost imperceptible gestures of connection, smiling, describing expectations, helping each other to fulfill them, at the end sharing experience and allowing to learn a lesson – perhaps. Of course, that might be rather a wish, seeing of possibility and my own interpretation in some cases, but it still serves as a good mirror to real-life happenings. All the participants enter the scene voluntarily to help each-other to explore their fantasy. It’s a mutual service, regardless of role in the play. As such, it is an act of care and love.
With all that psychology described so far, BDSM scene is not just voluntary sex-violence, intensity-contest, or fetish indulgence. It is a first-hand experience of life archetypes, an exploration into roles we play every day, an encounter with fears, a healing of the subconscious wounds, a physical channel to release emotions. Helplessness, injustice or paralysis is something that we often face out of kink. Within BDSM play we have at least some control over it – by deciding to indulge in it – and we can scrutinize it. This is an amateur (and maybe more functional) form of therapy. The partner, whether dominating or submitting, is our spiritual guide. Often I find it appropriate to demand more mature, capable and trustful companion, than is my usual criteria in romantic relationships. Since that person that torments me is my priest, my doctor, my teacher, my guru, my lover – in one person.
