Beyond bubble

5.0.17

after faeries, away from faeries, about faeries

The thirst for love, non-presence of love, missing of a lover - describe the concept of love as much as the direct experience of being in love. Its far side, its dark face – thus making the notion of it more complete. Faerie space and faerie experience acquire the dimension of wholesomeness even in the moment of leaving and being away. Longing, remembering, reflecting, digesting, distancing – all partake in overall feeling of what faerie life means for us.

The first gatherings are usually the eye-opening experience, the contrast of the imperatives of normality and the free-flowing life energy, the real and magical, the forbidden and the possible – feels more sharp. The life usually turns upside down. Therefore, faerie elders often recommend to return "home" gently, taking a good sleep, contemplating, meditating – and not executing dramatic decisions right away. We might loose some momentum that way – but on the other hand, this relates to the notion of faerie space as the bubble to emigrate into, or a complementary space to our regular life. Leaving the gathering or sanctuary proves to be a challenging process, repeatedly, even after years of practice.

A pattern that I find recurring is walking off the land with a feeling of saturation. Enough drama, enough noise, enough chaos, enough circles, enough of egos. There can be enough of a good thing. Or maybe just the different thing. Sometimes, faerie space feels like a dessert – yummy, but not really replacing the main course. The faerie experience is intense – and as individuals we have certain limits – yes, spit: borderlines – a capacity to take in all the social connections, new impulses, information, healing or rebirth. We may feel recharged and renewed, but in the same time the process of opening of the wounds, resolving past traumas and inhibitions, revisiting destructive patterns – just drain the energy. Faerie space is transient, experimental, exalted, maybe a bit unreal and certainly insufficient. Leaving with a composed feeling of taking as much as was bearable and useful and good for me – in between saturation and magic wearing out - may offer that right balance with the pain of returning back to the unsatisfying reality.

The dissonance between the mainstream patterns and the alternative community, fierce competition and loving togetherness, meeting the others with armor and being open, vulnerable, accessible – strikes me every time. The need to switch between faerie ways and regular straight or gay world’s communication or interactions: mind/heart, thinking/feeling, vicious/gentle, power/equality, getting on top / getting to know, fighting for the speaking time / listening, distance/approaching, being on guard / being curious, executing / exploring. These contrasts strike us in the most unexpected moments – with family, lovers, friends. In the beginning, the "switching" may cause a serious swoon – and yeah, even depression, bewilderment, renunciation – but soon it may become habitual. Though the notion and noticing of this switching does no disappear. There are hardly any best practices, advice or even support to prepare one for the "faerie winter", far away from the rest of the unicorns.

I call it the "wine effect". Once you try a really good wine and learn to recognize why it stand out, it is quite difficult to return to the cheap carton wine from the bottom shelves of the supermarket. Even for cooking! The extraordinary develops the taste buds. The same happens with the faerie experience. Consuming mainstream, controlled by fashions and traditions and perpetuality – may suddenly feel inadequate. That world insufficient, unsatisfying. The parties are boring and unpleasant. The social events artificial. The art empty. The friendships superficial, heart-less, perhaps even objectifying. The relationships manipulative. All in contrast to the faerie reality, where whatever mundane or ritual event happens, it connects with the experience of heart-space, trust, non-judgmental interaction, kindness, interest, support, love, affirmation, inclusion. All these things that faerie space and regular world both have, appear in different quality, depth, layers.

Having my heart outside of my chest, guts on the table – every minute of the day – even as scary as it was to experience it for the first time, becomes addictive. Being for the others, with the others – instead of against the others, in permanent competition and battle – being safe, being oneself, being whoever I want to be today, being accepted with all my genuine and intentional self-expressions. It’s benefits so palatable – that anything else, self-compromising or self-suppression – cease to be an option. It’s not possible to return back, to satisfy with less. The seen can’t be unseen. If all my life all my close ones were busy to convince me that the ways of the mainstream world are the only sane and honest possibility, everything else is just utopia, a fantasy – and then learning and experiencing that it is possible and doable – challenges one’s involvement in the world, but also those relationships. Now I don’t just dream of something vaguely better, different – now I know it – now I demand it.

The transformation that the faerie experience brought about was that it made me softer, kinder, braver and more loving and daring – trying to set the example for the others, but also this new approach becoming my natural way – but simultaneously being less compromising. I have no patience for old patterns, mechanical relationships, mechanical sex, machine-like communication, toxic masculinity, scorn of diversity, people composing their life of consuming products. I try to open their eyes – or rather to show the door if they start questioning themselves – but I cannot participate in their addictive/habitual/compliant way of live.

How to talk about what I have seen at all? Can the inner transformation seized in known language? Will it sound like a fairy-tale, somewhat sectarian, a hippie commune perhaps? Can the experience be translated between the cultures? Is it safe to let everyone know?

Certainly, after a lifetime-event, breakthrough, discovery of wonderland – we may want to show off, to show around. To invite all our lovers, friends and curious ones. We want to bring the outside world to experience the same blessing – and then ultimately change for better. Unless it doesn’t. The best-friend (tell her, bring her, she will like it, they will like her) can become a very toxic element in the faerie space. The community is still a minority within a minority, a special place, perhaps not good for everyone.

These colliding energies present another Taoist contradiction of the faerie-culture. Opening and closing. Welcoming and isolating. Bringing everyone in or rather keeping everyone out. Being a distinct space or a festival. Some faeries would prefer to devise strategies how to propagate the faerie space. Enlarge it, replicate it, make more of it, imprint it in the mainstream culture, make it at least familiar with us. Which of course carries the risk of exposure (possible reprisals), inflation, dilution of the values, takeover. Losing its sanctuary quality. The other faeries enjoy hazing the faerie space in mystery. Minimalist websites, brief information, contact data. "Come if you feel called."

Recently, this topic resonated with the possibility of media representation of faeries. And there are two options as well: grasping it in all its complex and paradoxical quality – or distorting the image and reputation (if we care about it at all). Will the faeries use the corporate entertainment industry to spread the good word, to enlarge the faeriedom, to invite more seeking soles – or will the TV or film, always hungry for topics and inspiration for new season in this highly competitive industry, suck and spit out the faeries? What form is more suitable and more descriptive and true – the documentary or the drama? This topic triggers as much as the substances.

I admit that my first impressions (and partially enchantment) with faeries happened thanks to the portrayal in series. Queer as Folk offered a whole episode that challenged my adopted ideas about straight-acting, heteronormativity, normalcy as such. It instilled a seed, a possibility of dreaming about a true gay community, sexual non-conformism, queer flavor of spirituality. No, I did not follow through, I did not seek faeries afterwards. Getting into the sanctuary involves that mythical calling, the coincidence, coming in the right time. Though even so, later - returning from my first gatherings – I was seeking for more faerieness in my dull and isolated life at home, the short documentaries and playful farce videos available online, regular arrival of RFDs and occasional discovery of faerie-related books ([1] [2] [3]) - have been a blessing. Precious – perhaps even thanks to their rarity. They allowed me to reflect on my experience, see the similarities experienced by different people across decades, get more background and insight. Keep the faerie connection alive. As such, I can’t ever perceive them as evil.

Similarly, the unpopular pictures taken during the gatherings, soothed the pain of returning to the cruel world, but also refresh me anytime I look at the after years. In a soul’s work with memories, nostalgia, placing me on the timeline of my life, offering perspective, comparisons. The same process as induced by celebrations - the "I was there. I participated. I know these people. I belong somewhere." Those pictures help me in the difficult moments. They beautify the moments of happiness. And they would never happen with "stated consent of everyone present in the scene". The reporters of the world do not ask for consent to capture scenes of war, violence, bravery, compassion, beauty. We are usually the most beautiful and captivating when unaware of ourselves, submerged deep in the storyline of life, our activities, our dramas. The family portraits of dressed up and posing figures – always contain something artificial, arrange, unrelated to the "captured" reality. I see it as a difference between real and fake pictures. The artistic and amateur photography. Many faeries who have not developed that sensitivity take it practically, as consumers, submitting to their social fears and constructs. I remember both times when pictures were taken freely and times when they were ruled out. In the first case, no soul was stolen, pictures did not seep out to the public social media, faerie sanctuary was not compromised. I just have more beautiful souvenirs of those times. The others faeries too. As the photographer I felt less inhibited, self-controlling and controlled from outside. I could explore my art as much as those faeries who paint, sing, or carve or construct or dance. I could play – in the times where faerie space was still a playground. Asking for consent is humiliating as much as the shame and frictions with those who can raise objections in the presence of the cameras, at the end beating the purpose of the picture as such. Capturing a moment requires an eye, a fast action, it must be non-intrusive and invisible in the same time. It avoids the phobia of electronic devices present. And the trust to keep the pictures within the circle is still the same trust towards the community and its individuals, that we exercise every faerie day.

Faerie space is certainly often-idealized but definitely not an ideal world. It contains conflicts – even in many of the contradictory elements of its culture – the frictions and also a disappointment. Seasonal mood swings and long-term ideological climate change. It is sometimes hard to avoid to present the faerie realm as the positive counter-example – to those we proselytize to, but over time even for us. Facing its inner ugliness, impossibility to overcome some petty patterns, unachievability of long-term goals, reinventing wheel, annoying rules or annoying chaos – can feel like a cold shower at times. Excited talking about faeries contrasts with low personal moments or those brought outside not experiencing or seeing the magic. How to make the faerie-space faerie-proof? How to allow for some real-world darkness? How to ground the dream balloon?

As much as we practice non-attachment to structures, improvements and art-pieces that we create around the sanctuary, maybe even some non-attachment to the faerie-space as such might be of help. Not treating it as a bubble. Not projecting the ideas of (our) home on it. Not making it the single focus of our life. Part of faerie experience might be realizing that we need to experience also something else in our life, pursue other projects, connections, self-development. Reconnecting with friends, getting into new profession, finding a lover or a permanent shelter. Faeries do not supplement life, they may enhance and enrich it. Faerie experience might manifest in keeping a distance, taking a long pause, or perhaps even in leaving for good.