Polyphonic expressions of love

5.0.11

sex, relationships, polyamory and monogamy in faerie space

If something does not seem deficient in the mainstream gay world, it is certainly sex. Yet, many can’t say they have rich or satisfying sexual life. Faerie space seems ideal to finally experience the loving and physical connections in the safety of non-judgmental, subject-subject, heart-space culture. Less performance anxiety, less straight-acting and machismo, less mechanical approach, less clichés and formulas, less shame – more intimacy, more joy, more experimenting. Curiously, it is one of the most common heart-circle sharings that people report on feeling asexual in faerie space. The richer options and the lack of interest seem oddly in contradiction.

My own personal experience with this phenomenon lead me to think of sexuality as a channel. It is a tool or method through which we search for possibility of intimating and connecting and getting to know the other person. As odd as it may sound, this is happening even in the subconsciousness of regular gay spaces – from cruising grounds, through clubs and saunas, to fetish parties. Just so many are disconnected from "what I really want" and "what I really feel" - searching among the social habits "what everyone does", "what they call satisfaction", "when I do this I should feel that". Faerie space – from heart-circle, through cuddling on the couch, to inconspicuous random words and gestures of kindness while passing someone by – conveys intimacy through so many other channels. Sexuality is somewhat not needed. No, it is not suppressed either, it is just left on the side track, relaxing, being on vacation. Without any effort or ideological conceptualization behind it. This situation offers a very new perspective on what sexuality is.

Another matter that steps into the play is the queerness. Faerie space liberates individual from the strait-jacket of straight-acting, comfortably exploring their feminine side, the in-between-er gender variance – shedding the shame and inner tension associated with it. Sometimes even paradoxically – acting in drag brings more insight into the habit of acting roles in regular life. This gender-play references to the two-spirit concept that inspired the faeries in very beginnings. When retelling the myth, often more focus is brought to the important social functions these creatures fulfilled, in relation to contemporary professions and queer inclinations, rather than as a curious and narrowly defined gender role. Two-spirits as 3rd and 4th gender did not interact intimately among each-other, They considered that incestuous - "as between sisters" - they mated with 1st and 2nd gender, i.e. approximately straight men and straight women. This may sound too controversial for faerie culture who’s mission seems to be to allow the individual to finally relax from masculinity – but the attraction towards masculine is what defines gay man as a gay man. Without judging or conclusions, we may need to acknowledge that many of us fell for that mysterious natural something in the straight guys (who’s culture we otherwise despise), rather than for the ambiguous middle-genders. Faerie gatherings may therefore feel as witch conventions, ladies night out – for the sake of support and sharing with like-minded peers, sexual tension laid aside.

Yet another perspective would be seeing all that natural cuddling, touching, kissing, hugging and overall togetherness as The Sex. With it’s own load of negotiation of consent, reading of nuanced changes in the mood, approaching and distancing. It is the sex executed not via sexual organs, but transferred into the rest of the body and into our social presence.

Faerie sanctuary, rather than a cozy home, serves as a laboratory. Its "situation weather" is much denser – on a scope of hours and days, months and years of regular life’s dramas unfold. The compacted time allows for a different perspective, seeing the dynamics we are usually trapped or lost in on a scale of palm of hand. The peculiar nature of faerie space allows to revisit wounds, vicious circles, patterns of relationships and encourages us to try another approach. As such, it may not appear soothing at times.

In my first gatherings, I was overhauled with need for intimacy, discovery that physical connection without the usual "phrases" of sex is possible, feeling of being privatized by one person – unable to interact with the rest, unreciprocated desires towards guys in closed couples, loner’s envy of the coupled, the gestures of acknowledgment that weighed more than sexual consummation, the dreams of someone finally coming true a bit late and a bit different way than desired, inability to terminate the dysfunctional relationships, avoiding, being torn between multiple attractions or even intimate connections, changing the buddies over the gatherings, navigating between ex-lovers and current lovers. Life compressed. Intense but not unbearable. Many barriers that I was not able to overcome all my life crumbled on spot, with no effort, just like that.

Almost every great gathering, a faerie walks in out of nowhere holding The Ethical Slut bible, inviting to a polyamory lesson. Yes, this is a very popular concept among faeries (monogamy is just another aspect of heteronormativity, right?), the faerie space an ideal environment to try it out. At least something like a speedy poly-romance. What I have found more working than the one-way "how to" were the workshops in shape of heart-circle, where everyone is included to contribute and everyone shares his ideas, perspectives, traumas, dreams, insecurities. Yet, as faerie space can be challenging trial for monogamous couples, it can help inspecting possibilities of opening up, revisiting the foundations of the relationship, to shift from toxic monogamy (laden with expectations and disappointments) towards its meaningful forms. Not to forget the institution of being consciously single – a valid and healthy state of being – that we often escape from anxiously, clinging to whatever relationships are at hand. Being alone, with oneself, content, exploring the possibilities of this state, without feeling inadequate, incomplete, failing.

OPENING DOORS
by unknown faerie

Walking through the corridor of life
I opened the door to fear; and found strength
I opened the door to pain; and my wounds are healed
I opened the door to rejection; and love grows like green flowers

I open the door to
My heart;
My life;
My spirit;
And seen what lies therein.

Comfortable solitude may precondition healthy coupling. As much as an ability to receive a rejection – in dignified, non-spiteful, loving way – is a sign of maturity that makes us ready to be accepted. Rejection – being in touch with ones genuine attractions, being able to voice them – is an expression of personal integrity. Granting the other one the same right to like, dislike, choose – as we assign to ourselves, as we wish that the others will accept in us with love. The drama of saying "no".

The borderlines may express not only in rejecting/accepting someone as a lover, but in the interaction itself. What if I am open to get to know him, but not to go farther? What if I am curious to touch him – and allow him to touch me – without a fear of having to do the next step in usual intercourse scheme? A kiss that does not mean we are going to get naked and fuck. Or making love and stopping in the middle – because it feel right and good enough – without feeling guilty, doubting self-esteem, insensitive. Going half-way and stopping is another powerful expression of personal integrity, being in touch with and responding to ones genuine self.

I have touched the same topic in the article on subject-subject relating, though it directly connects with this topic as well. Some faeries imagine the gatherings as a space devoid of those bothering personal inhibitions about the body, beauty, attraction. A banquet to access all the young and pretty meat that is off limits in the outside world. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing those desires, sharing about those traumas of being undesired or getting old – but there it ends, on the borderline of other people’s integrity and taste. Especially without judging the rejections, non-presence of attraction, the act of choosing – as something evil, superficial, mainstream. A faerie space is not a "yes" utopia. It is a liberating space – and the individual liberty lies in free expression of "no".

Perhaps the grabbing of the desired meat without permission does not happen that often in faerie space. But there’s still a lot of tact to be learned about occupying someone’s space. With attention, services (massage, conversation), charming, mentoring, or just mere presence that prevents access to or towards anyone else the "object" of interest might wish for. Noticing more than what I want from/for him, but what is he as a subject with his own desires in the complex social fabric of faerie community.

The beautiful ones are usually envied, seen as lucky – perhaps undeservedly. Even in loving and gentle and non-judgmental faerie space, the feelings of bitterness may be authentic. Gentleness sometimes suffocates the honesty. Yes, being pretty is partially a result of unfair genetics (nature generating zillions of instances, some more "successful", some less), but from a large portion a result of an effort. The slim body is a result of constant inquiry between real hunger and "some dissatisfaction" that searches for a substitute. It is "in and out", how much nutrients one receives and how much energy he releases, a matter of balance, in direct relation to ones interaction in the environment, ecosystem. Taking and giving. A topic of nature and ecology – so close to faerie culture at least in declarations. The athletes body is a result of determination and toil – something that irritates those who lack it. It’s the opposite of "I don’t like gyms, I don’t like all that heteronormative masculinity, I enjoy good food, I prefer watching/doing arts, I am different kind of personality". Darling, if you are different kind of character, be satisfied with how it shapes your body, who will be attracted to it. At the end, the fairness lies in offering what you expect.

The pretty ones are often seen as happy ones. Being one that was attracting looks and attention for some time, I can say it can be quite unpleasant experience as well. People tend to project "compensation ideas" - the beautiful is usually seen as shallow, empty-headed, fully, over-confident, cold, arrogant, self-centered. Looks seem to imply superficiality, in some weird social cliché clearly imported from the outside world. He does not want me – he does not see my inner beauty – he does not have ability to appreciate what’s important in life, what’s good. Being rejected hurts the ego. The ambassadors of beauty may live under constant imperative to disperse these real and also suspected judgment from the surrounding environment. A pressure to act a bit more kindly, a bit more open-armed, a bit more attentive, a bit more non-selective – than the honest desire inside. Constantly observing oneself through the eyes of the rest. Surely this is a personal process to be observed and made peace with, though with some understanding on the other side that being pretty is not always that pretty.