Tao of Kink

Chapter 17

Self-pleasure

First learn to please yourself ... then you can please the others ... and receive pleasure from them too. Know your body, know your spots, know your strokes. These basics are so often neglected - and therefore inevitably followed by the disappointment from the real-life pair and group encounters that do not feel so hot as our fantasy might have imagined. Not aware what feels good, what feels even better and what is excruciatingly good - we resort to dull mechanics (harder, faster, bigger), handling the other bodies/beings as machines, furiously rushing them towards that kind of "orgasm" that we have managed to discover so far. Under-skilled in understanding ourselves, we jump between extremes of being too selfish or too selfless with partners, robbing all involved parties of satisfaction. So ... how do we get back into our body?

From different bating techniques, through self-sucking, using tools and more intense methods of stimulation (CBT), involving the unusual settings, edging and leaking precum, to explosive cumming (or not) ... the palette of self-pleasure is a universe of its own. Without partner, we are free of judgments (or rather from feeling judged, evaluated, having to prove ourselves), in the most intimate and free space we can create and find ourselves. As much as we harvest the opportunity, as good as we indulge in self-exploration, as amazing lovers as we become to ourselves - as appreciated we will be by those whom we will share our love skills with.

Over couple of decades of being my own stroke-buddy, even if I often struggle to follow these best practices, at least I got to know quite well what works for me ...

- I am a unique being, so my sexuality and sensuality does not (have to) conform to any average, porn cliche and myths, or image of "universal body". I respond in my own idiosyncratic way. I am flesh and blood, breakable, mortal and have my limits.

- giving myself enough time and safe space, presenting the self-love as a sacred ritual, a celebration (of me, life, maleness, whatever is at hand’s reach). This is my quality time of bonding with myself. Loving myself. Appreciating myself. "You deserve it. You are worth it. You are desired."

- the orgasm, however nice, is the end of sex for most men. But the point of sex is not the end of it, the point of sex is sex itself. I try to make the act last, I enjoy the excitement of being horny, I indulge in not cumming for days or weeks. I don’t need to cum, I can cum. The old taoist teachings recommended ejaculating once a month for a man in his thirties - thus preserving his vital energy. That proved to work for me quite well. Not to forget, after occasional spill, eating my own sperm helps keeping the strength inside. (Also a good way to acquire the taste for it ;) )

- yeah, different stroke techniques really work. A bit of bondage and slapping can’t hurt. Sounding works too quickly :D I miss an inch or two to self-sucking mysteries... but I have hurt my spine badly already. Cumming unfocused and stressed gives terrible empty orgasms, no rocket science. There’s nothing as draining as collecting sperm samples at 6AM for medical tests. 7AM bus or car rides cause annoyingly lasting hard-ons. Getting hard again just after cumming hurts like hell. Cold water helps the balls to regenerate after orgasm much faster.

- conscious deep breathing throughout the orgasm multiplies the intensity. Imagining connecting with many men I know, faces I dream of and partners I don’t interact with anymore, or whole crowds or men, or even the whole humankind - gives immense joy to the soul, builds a sense of integrity/wholeness within my life story - and helps me focusing the generated sexual energy. (Think Sense8 orgasms.) Sending it outwards, or routing it inwards with an intention - re-harmonize and heal the body right here right now.